The Key to Connection: Mutual Goals

True compatibility is the feeling that you have a helpmate – someone who wants to help you reach your goals and develop as a person.  And you must respect and be willing to support your mate’s development and goals. With such a strong base, staying together is relatively easy.

And I’ll let you in on a secret: people without any dreams or aspirations usually aren’t as interesting as those with a sense of purpose. If you’ve ever met someone who has given up wanting anything for his future, you know they tend to lack enthusiasm and are not much fun to be around. They lower the energy level in the room and are likely to be relationship challenged as well.

Once in a committed relationship, you often have to juggle time and energy for jobs, family members and friends. Something that is important to your partner can and should change how you plan your time--together and apart. Compromises must be made: but often, the big picture of a couple’s life together can be lost before it’s even imagined.

Numerous studies have shown that people who write things down are more likely to get things done. Make a list of the things that are important to you as an individual and as a couple. Writing it down is important even if you never look at it again. Only share your list when you feel ready.  And your partner’s list may surprise you!

YOUR LIST:

Your goals, dreams, and wishes: Write down all of them, even those you (or others) believe might be unattainable.

Long-term goals: In all of the craziness of daily life, it’s easy to lose sight of things that really matter. Keeping a list of what’s most important to you individually and as a couple can help make those important things your priority.

  • Places you’d like to visit: List the places you’d like to visit together, and below each destination, what it would take to get you there—money, learning a language (doing this together would be a great way to bond), or finishing projects, etc.
  • Each other’s goals: Share your ideas for yourself and for each other. For example, he might see himself as a not-so-great cook, and you might see his passion and talent without the self-critical goggles he’s wearing. You might suggest a dinner party for eight using recipes he had been squirrelling away. Or he might have creative ideas about how you could increase revenue in your business and suggest that you check back with him when you have put the ideas into play to see if they succeeded. He might realize by the notes and emails you write that you are an excellent writer, and encourage you to get a story published, or you might help him realize how valuable he is at work and urge him to negotiate for something he wants.
  • Financial goals: Write about what you want out of life in the next five, ten, twenty years, and how you plan to get there.  What do you want retirement to look like? How much is it going to cost to make your goals happen?  Eventually you will need a financial advisor or accountant, but for now just make a basic list and take the first steps.


Setting and reaching even small goals will make you feel better and get you further than you ever imagined. So when all else fails put this on your calendar: get up, get out, and do something – anything that will get you moving towards your goals.

A “keeper” has compatible life goals. But if he or she isn’t, at least you’ve got the perfect exit line, “I believe we have different goals”. You won’t be riding into the sunset together because you both did your homework and MADE THAT LIST. Remember: it is easier to reach the stars with someone to hold the ladder.

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